There are many pleasures of “outercourse” that need not be forgotten.
Is good sex without intercourse even possible? I heard a lot of readers say that when reading this title. Do you remember waaaaay back when you were not yet having intercourse but making out was the absolute neatest thing? More recently perhaps, do you remember the intense excitement of that first kiss with someone you were longing for? Even after experiencing the pleasures of intercourse a person (two persons!) can go back to enjoying sex without intercourse just like when intercourse was not yet on the menu.
Why would anyone do that? Ah, only the able bodied with an able bodied partner would ask that. For many, intercourse is just not possible any longer – for instance, a post-menopausal woman for whom vaginal intercourse is too painful, or a man who is unable to get an erection perhaps due to prostate cancer surgery. What about people who are no longer limber enough to get into familiar positions? There are many medical conditions that will affect the ability but not sexual desire for both sexes.
It’s so sad for me as a sex therapist who focuses on increasing pleasure in people’s lives when I hear of people giving up on sex entirely when there is so much more enjoyment to be had. What used to be known as foreplay or outercourse can be available to any two people who are willing to explore possibilities even if the old familiar delights no longer are.
Let’s start with skin. Even animals like to be petted and what are we humans if not part of that group. Formal massage (learnable from videos or classes) can be a special treat, but so can simple skin to skin contact. Consciously touching more, perhaps sleeping nude, can keep those fires burning. If the touch leads to caresses in special places that create an orgasm and a feeling of closeness, what can you call that besides good sex?
Women who can no longer tolerate penis in vagina intercourse can still achieve pleasure not only by caresses with the hand but by stimulation with the tongue. If oral sex has not been part of a couple’s repertoire this is the time to learn. Water stimulation is something many women have discovered via a hand held shower or a spa water jet. This is something than can be incorporated into a couple’s sexual life, not just reserved for one’s private pleasure.
Speaking of oral sex, it may come as a surprise that men who are unable to get an erection or those who can no longer ejaculate can still experience orgasm from mouth or even hand stimulation. It would be such a pity to abandon all those possible orgasms out of reluctance to experiment – by the man or his partner.
So if for any reason intercourse is not possible intimacy and physical pleasure need not be abandoned, should not be abandoned. A satisfying love life is, if I may say so, not only right at hand but available at the tip of your tongue.
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