Do you wish your partner would grab you by the hair and have their way with you? You probably do, because being dominated in bed is, according to research, one of the most popular fantasies for women (and men). But maybe you’re worried it’s anti-feminist to want to be submissive in bed. Well, you can stop feeling bad about it right now. Feminism is about having control over your own sex life, and if you want to exercise that control by asking your partner to take control, that’s just fine.
Here’s how to entice your partner into dominating you without making it weird.
1. Figure out what you’re really into. All domination is about power and control, but beyond that, it can mean anything from a slightly rougher-than-normal sex session to bondage, rubber, or role-playing as a naughty schoolgirl who needs a spanking. So: What does domination mean to you? Decide what you want before you ask.
2. Research your fantasies. Read some sexy stories, or write one of your own for your partner. Porn can help, but be aware that it’s pretty much always inaccurate in regards to real sex and kink. For practical, real world ideas, try reading The New Bottoming Book — a clear guide on all kinds of kink from the point of view of people who, like you, want to be dominated. You can also join the informative discussions on kinky social networking website.
3. When telling your partner about your fantasies, be to the point and sexxxy. Between your ears, your fantasies are often pretty murky and nonverbal, so when you explain them to your partner, it’s best to share a few clear ideas in as sexy and exciting a way as possible. Say something like, “When you grab a big bunch of my hair and pull me in to suck on you, it makes me so horny.” Or, “Spanking me over your knee would get me so wet.”
4. Work something you know they like into it. What better way to encourage your partner into dominating you than including some of their favorite sex things? If you want your partner to tie you up and you know they love blow jobs, tell them how much you would like it if they tied you to the bed, knelt over you, and made you suck for ages.
5. Assure them that they’re not being a jerk. If they’re worried that taking control is dangerous or morally wrong, the magic key is to talk about consent. You enthusiastically want your partner to dominate you in ways that are safe and within agreed limits. You are not asking your partner to be a jerk or a tyrant. You’re asking them to do something fun and sexy that will make you really excited.
6. Set your limits (and come up with a safe word). Limits can be physical or psychological. For example, if you are into getting hit with various implements, like crops or paddles, you or your partner might draw the line at anything that can leave a mark. If you want to be humiliated verbally, some words might be going too far — either for you to hear or for your partner to say. You’ll probably come up with more boundaries as you go because, hey, mistakes happen.
7. Use it as a spice in your sexual life (a little goes a long way). If you’re into bondage, there’s no need to go and buy a whole lot of cuffs and chains just yet. Try just having your partner hold your hands above your head in one of theirs while they lick your nipples. Or they can hold you down during penetrative sex, putting you into whatever position they like. Over time, you can ramp up the intensity.
8. Make noise! Even if your partner wasn’t initially into dominating you, your reactions can get them hooked on it. If they’ve shoved you facedown on the bed with your butt up and are rampantly using you as a human sex toy, your sighs and moans will show them how turned on you are. But also let them know when what they’re doing isn’t working for you. Safe words are important.
9. Reflect upon your kinky times outside the bedroom. Even though you want to give your partner the power, you’re still equal partners in your relationship. Check in with each other — ideally, with your clothes on. Talk about what you like and what you want to change. And now you’re ready to be dominated. Go forth and get rough.