You can’t take off my bra with one hand? Neither can I
1. Whether or not you sleep on a $4,000 mattress fit for a queen. Air mattress? Cool. Bunch of sweaters on the floor? Less cool, but workable. I once dated someone for weeks who slept on a constantly deflating air mattress on the floor and he was, like, 28. Let that all sink in.
2. Whether you have jersey cotton T-shirt sheets or Egyptian cotton from Neiman’s.
These sheets don’t have a 20,000 thread count? Of course they don’t. I’m 20.
3. If you haven’t washed your sheets since you were a freshman in high school. I always just assume they’re clean even though I secretly know they’re 100 percent soaked in filth. The stains I have seen, you guys. The stains I have seen.
4. If your room looks like it was designed by a TV set designer. I’m here to have sex, not to look at your fancy light fixtures. It’s fine.
5. If you shaved two minutes before I got here so there was no time for regrowth. As long as it’s cool if I don’t shave everywhere possible, I don’t mind if you don’t either.
6. If you don’t 100 percent know what you’re doing with a vagina. Especially if you’re actually really trying and bonus points if you ask for feedback. Because yeah, I’ll tell you what to do.
7. If you can’t take off a bra with one hand. Or two hands, or all the hands in the world. Sometimes I can’t either.
8. If your bachelor pad is actually your parents’ basement. Yeah, it’s weirder when you start to get in your late 20s, but before the age of 25, that’s almost a given. Plus, that means you have a well-stocked pantry and there is no greater panty-dropper. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve dated someone who lived with their parents just because they had a plethora of exquisite jams, I’d be able to buy a plethora of exquisite jams.
9. If you’re a virgin. Hey, in my mind that just means you haven’t picked up any bad habits from girls who told you they loved something that I’m definitely going to hate.
10. If you don’t want to sleep over because a roommate is snoring two feet away from us. If that’s the case, I probably don’t want you to sleep over either. Same page.
11. If you’ve hooked up with some of my friends. Unless you’ve slept with every single one of my friends like some sort of sexual sociopath, I don’t care that you made out with my friend Karen once at a party three years ago. Karen rules.
12. If you still haven’t lost your freshman 15. Maybe I haven’t either, or maybe it’s cute. You look hot and we’re about to bone.
13. If you don’t want anything serious right now. We’re in our 20s. I don’t expect a pre-boning marriage proposal.
14. If you have a shitty job. That’s basically the number-one job people have in their 20s. It will not affect how we have sex. And hey, if your job can get me an employee discount on something rad, we’re golden, my friend.
15. If you haven’t prepared an elaborate brunch feast for the morning after. All you have are Cheez-Its and one can of Coke? We’ll either split them, or I will leave early and get real food. Either way, thank you for the sex.
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